It has been a while, I tried many times, but just could not return to the same level of meditation that I used to attain a year back. I thought the recent failures in my life has slowed down my awakening and I am never gonna reach that place again with this negativity in me.

Frustrated from this tough phase of my life, I decided to get very positive, believe in myself, no matter what. I started my journey again with visualization and affirmations, most importantly SELF BELIEVE. I slept visualizing, and woke up with gratitude. After the breakfast, I could not resist myself from meditation. As I started studying for my exam, I felt a compulsion to meditate and I closed my eyes, but this time with no purpose, only to surrender. I closed my eyes and initially forced myself not to focus on seeing, hearing, or smelling anything. I am well aware that I possess a very powerful mind, which is designed to get me to my objective at any cost, and that it will try to find an easier path to make me feel I am done. I know my mind can play tricks with me, give me some pictures to distract or a feeling of deep meditation just to make me feel content. Thus, I sat there with no agenda, no intention to learn or experience, but rather just to surrender myself.

 Slowly, I felt I am back! I felt I am on a similar place, somewhere I used to be when I used to meditate deep. I then realized how this character known as Manish has grown up before me. I realized there is no one who has seen “Manish” more closely than me. I could disassociate myself from “Manish” and remember how I have witnessed him growing. Once I was not him, I started looking at what was left, “I”, and the more I realized this, the more I could see “I” getting dissolved. Gradually I could feel “I” getting completely dissolved or should I say nowhere to be found. I could feel that actually I was nowhere, may be not exist, but certainly not there anywhere to be found. It was all so peaceful; it’s here, where everything is, including me, it’s nowhere.

After a long delay, I again want to touch few points on what is called spirituality, a name given to identify trance experiences. i do not believe its the spirit or body/ mind what I am , I believe I am nothingness. Many so called enlightened beings made me believe that I am inside my body, thus I tried to find myself inside my body. I started with my toe, moved up through my leg to my hips to my back to my abs and I just could not find myself, all I could sense was that its a part of me, but definitely not me. I then moved to my heart and then the three areas where I felt i might be there, that are my heart, my face, and my brain.

I realized face because that the place where we have most of the senses placed cumulatively and thus we generally associate ourselves with our faces. So I eliminated face on the basis of doubt that it might be illusion caused by senses, and I cannot be just a bundle of senses or illusion. The possibilities left were the heart or the brain. Now this is really close as there are chances that I can be at both the places partially.

One of the ways to take off the brain option is the fact that I started as a heart in my mother's womb, and I believe I will be there with my first sign of existence on earth. So I came down to heart, but if I am heart then I should be able to live without any support or assistance, but its not true in case of heart. So where am I, who am I?

Today, I realized in the middle of Dhyana, that in the same way as a sparkle cannot find light, a rain drop cannot find where and what is wetness, so is the case with me, I cannot look back at myself and say Ohkk...there I am!! I found myself this is me!!

I lie down and look at my feet, and I realize just because in this human form I have senses running to the tip of my feet, I associate my identity till that point. If for a moment i can believe I am more than senses, as they are illusions, I know I more than my body but I am everywhere, connected.

I then try to move the finger of my feet, just before I move the finger I stop and feel the signal. I move slowly and stop, again make a wish to bend it further but just before bending it further, I stop again, here I feel the signal again. Wow, its the most beautiful creation, my body, so close to me that I gave it the possibility of my personification.

i believe that everything is one, see the structure of world its round, the clock, the galaxy, everything starts and ends at the same point, even the sign of infinity. See the power of round, which we love the most, that we use it in so many things such as tyres.

"Kadam fir barh chale, jahan main aur deewarein rehti hain,
Khamosh andheron se itni ki mohabbat
sanse bhi ab bematlab, betuki si lagti hain...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"ye dekhkar aapko, yun lagta hai
na jaane, kahan barbaad kar aaye, ab tak umra apni"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bari muddaton ki neend tooti hai..
sach batao aapki hansi ya Frooti hai"
=========================================================

gaalon pe haya, aankhon mein nasha, saanson ki tapish,
mere badan se aati teri khushboo,
mujhe yakeen hai ye maut hai
Zindagi kabhi... itni meharbaan na thi...
=======================

If you walk looking ack..U r bound to fall sooner or later
===================
imagine is ur giving and u ll rcv in real world
=================
thr is lack of love and no other lack
================================================
mydreams shape my reality
================================================
humari peeth per khanjar ka nishaan,
husnawalon ne taofa bhi kya khoob likkha hai,
Samajhe na wo.. shoukh hota hai kya
ki humne sina abhi mehfooz rakha hai...

================================================
tanhai ki aadat kuch aisi lagi,
ki aaina bhi ab gair sa hai lagne laga,
itne door gaye tum ki
 meri parchaain ka ilm ab mujhe hone laga..


dar ye nahi humein dafnayega kaun,
ab to khuda
=======================================
yakin kaise karun ki tu haqeqat hai..
ki itne hasin to mere khwaab bhi na they
============================================
Kyon pila di itni , jitni ki main peeta gaya
Agar tu nahi zindagi, to main ye kya jeeta gaya …
Jisne paana na samjha, wahi khona sikha gaya…
Kal Dusron pe hanste they/ko hasna sikhate they , khud pe rona aa gaya..
Ruswaaeiyan kam hoti thi magar,
ye zindagi humein tera chehra dikha gaya

===================================
ae kash ki main shayar hota,
teri muskurahat pe rmin gazal likhta,
bheegi shaam si hain aankhen tumhaari,
tere chehre ko main subah kehta,
zindagi, bematlab, tanha na guzarti,
tere hsna ka ik jo sahara hota..
ae kash ki main shayar hota....
================================================
tera intezaar ya meri zindagi
ye dekhna hai maut pehle kisko aayegi
itni mohabbat ki hai khwabon se maine
ye dekhna hai haqiqat tujhe cheen kaise payegi
====================================================
gar tum mujhse kuch kahoge nahi,
to sab kuch bataoge kaise,

Hun jaanta, dil samajht ahai lekin,
jo ab nahi tera, usse samjhaoge kaise,

hai teri haya tujhse khoobsurat, gar,
itna husna tum chupaoge kaise,,

khwabon mein tere paas hun lekin,
haqiat mein mere bahon ka nasha tum paoge kaise...

intezaar pehla manzar hai ishq ka.
hai ishq mujhse ye bataoge kaise..
iqraar--ishq kar page kaise...???

==================================================
create a dream: Brahma
preserve it: preserver vishnu
destroy all ills and troubles: destroyer shiva
amalgam is equal to shanti
==================================================
sleep like a baby" cause a baby forgets his past the moment he finds a better present, which may be just a sound
=========
god wants to speak to u...but how wen u so busy talking to urself
============
everythn is abt feel...ur skin, ur senses everythn
============================================================
your feelings are your GOD and soul is your temple--Chanakya
=============================================================
you cannot dream wat u cannot achv
=============================================================
na maloom koi itne paas aata bhi hai,
ae khuda ye chand to sharmaata bhi hai...
=============================================================
YOU are What my Dreams look like in reality:)
=============================================================
Tum puchte rahe aaeine se apne Husna ka haal,
Ae kash jawab in aankhon mein bhi dhoonda hota...

Subah teri neend mein doobi aankhein,
hothon pe shararat bhari shaam,
mere sine pe wo tere kaate ka nishan,
in bahon mein kaid, teri khushboo aaj bhi hai.....

aarzoo hai ya shiqyat, ilm nahi gar,
tera intezar ya meri zindagi,
ye dekhna hai maut pehle kisko aayegi.....
-----Manish Kumar :
==============================================================
main jab bhi kehta,
tum nahi ho....

ye hawa chu ke mujhe, mere seene se lag jaati,
Tum ho..
ye baarish ki boonden, labhon pe tharkar
kehti hai kuch,
Tum ho...
ye tere zikra pe dil ki besudh dastakein,
main sunta hun,
Tum ho...
ye aasoon mere aur meri muskurahat,
mehsus jo kar lun agar to,
vahin tum ho...
Yakin hai Tum ho...
==============================================================
teri bheerh mein pukara tujhe tune suna to hoga,.
baatein karte hain kai tujhse, mere yaar tu kitna tanha hoga,
chuna chahte hain sabhi tujhe, tujhe chubhta to hoga,
in aakhon ne bhi ki sharartein, tujhe pata to hoga...

likhta hun to sonchta hun, nazmon mein mere, tu rehta to hoga,
is zindagi ke registaan mein, pyaasa tu bhi to hoga,
dhundhla sahi, bhale unchaha, mera intezaar rehta to hoga,
ek lamha aur de khuda, ye mera khwaab, mera haqiqat to hoga...
===============================================================
jindagi kaise karoon tera shukriya,
meri baahon mein uljha khuda mil gaya
maut intezaar kar abhi aur mera,
mujhe tujhse kahin hasin, mera kaatil mil gaya....
===============================================================
Ae khuda itni to riyayat kar,
un aankhon ko intezaar de mera...
===============================================================
jaane tu kaun sa dard hai dil mein,
kyun mujhe itne yaad aate ho,
dub gaya hun apne aasuon mein,
tum fir bhi rula jate ho...

tanhai ki aadat kuch aisi hai lagi
ki aaina bhi hai, ab gair sa lagne laga..
ae khuda itni to ryayat kar mujhpar,
de un aankhon ko kabhi intezaar mera
============================================
zindagi ki gari kuch is tarah bhaagi,
apne saikal ki tayar mein hum hawa hi bharte reh gaye...
================================

na jaane tu sach hai ya dhokha hai..
wo chaand mein daag nahi ..
actually humne khakhaar ke zor se thooka hai...
============================
tanhaai ki aadat kuch aisi hai lagi...
ki aaina bhi hai.. ab gair sa lagne laga...
mere khuda itni to riyayat kar mujhpar...
un aakhon ko bhi ...de kabhi intezaar mera...
================================================
Brain and Heart are just organs/circuitary controlled by Mind, your individual conciousness.
Now Heart talks in terms of intution, love, inspiration etc; whereas Brain understands Logic, science
=========================
Shaam ke dhalte saaye mein, tere chehre se raushni baaki hai,
mere tootate khwabon ke gharonde, ko tere palkon ka sahara kaafi hai...

============
THANK YOU
Thank you TODAY,
for you have come, so I am,
for what is true, is only you,
lost are those. living in past or future,
for neither exist, if it's not You.

Thank you MOTHER EARTH,
For your selfless love,
Through the flowers,
the wind, the oceans, the sky,
but I fear my growing selfishness,
each day is making you die.

Thank you dear EMOTIONS,
To me life without you,
Is romance without love,
is rainbow without colors,
is food without taste,
and a journey to waste.

Thank you beloved GOD,
Through You I have come to know me,
Beyond this time and space,
I will meet you to be set free,
I do not die, ¬ cause I am not born
============================================
On my Way
It was a rainy day
And I was on my way
All alone in my boat
No one with me to give support
the sea was calm and quiet
as far as my sight
the moon was playing hide
and seek with the clouds
and their voice wasn't too loud
Wind was blowing in her steady way
Same as my boat, after a long day
It was a nice experience
I tell you
Loneliness is one's best friend
That I never knew
no one with me
just me and only me
as far as I can see
an endless sea.
=============================================
I Love You
Though your mirror never replies
You ask it all day
Do I look beautiful today
I wished you knew the answer,
But you never looked deeper in my eyes.

In your eyes I see sunshine,
An evening rests on your lips,
though I miss those love bites on my chest,
 I find your smell, still living in my arms
.
Tonight, when I hold you
Hold me back
Tonight, when I die to live,
Kiss me back
because I am still in Love with you
==============================================
main fakeera
-------------
Ae Jannat -e- nark ke thekedaaron,
tu khud khoya, dusron pe pehra deta kya hai.

jo paaya aarti mein mohammad aur azan mein raam,
to ism mera kusur kya hai..

ho jo diwaali ki sewayian aur eid mein patakhe,
holi mein daawat aur bakreed -e- rang,
to isme tujhe aeitraj kya hai



maine kal bhaja krishna krishna
aaj alapoon khud khuda
fakeere ki bas do rotiyan
na pucho dharam na pucho majhab mera

=====================================

Spiritual Life Continues....

26/06/12

--In the morning just after meditation I heard a voice in my head like a clear instruction ”Go Learn about Human Mind scientifically”. I went ahead and learnt a lot about the science behind functioning of human mind. I conclude that MIND in its original form is designed to protect the human body from everything. If a person's life is in danger it can even make time run slow for that person. By taking more frame/second the brain access more info/sec, making time go slow so that one can take appropriate actions to save oneself.

--At night when I was unable to get over the train of thoughts during my meditation and when I thought to give up, a voice again came to my head but this time with  great love  ”Mere se milna nahi chahte..apni chahat barhao ” (Don’t You want to meet me, increase your wanting). I was shocked but also happy with the lovely way these words were said to me.

-- “When space and time cease to exist, its then and there you realize your existence.”

--Few days back when I heard Anita explaining her near- death experience saying “When I was dead everything was happening at one time with simultaneity and to whatever I turned my focus on I could see happening”

And today when I was driving, my friend told me about the importance of side mirrors in a car.As I turned my attention to side mirrors of the car, suddenly all I could see around me were side mirrors on the road. Actually I became so aware of side mirrors that in all the cars around me I was only seeing side mirrors. I saw in a seminar done by Jack Canfield where he asked audience to count the number of “F” in a full printed page. Strangely the number changed as per one’s intensity of focus in that same page for different people. Let me ask YOU to do this: concentrate on any single color, NOW, do it for 30 seconds, and then go on a walk/ or look around, you will suddenly start seeing that color all around at places you never noticed before. Thus, I can relate to Anita’s Post-Life experience that whatever we turn our attention to, starts to happen for and to us. And the learning  is that if one hunts for happiness or opportunity so shall he find and one who looks for troubles find so. But the question is if that true, then is Time just an illusion as was believed by the great Einstein?

05/07

--I realize that it is the non-living part of the universe that the living part should take lessons from and not think that non-living part is worthless. What do we mean by “living” is actually that it is soon going to “die”. Or you can say the other meaning of “Living” is “Dying”, cause each moment you are living you can also be said to be dying. So Living is just the other name of Dying. It is the just the game of emotions, which are the differentiators between us and.the non-living. For example, Mountains stand rock solid and do not get affected by wind or rain . They just stands there still as ever. Learn Stillness from them. We and the earth each is made up of 70% water, still water never shows pride but is colorless, accepting the color of its container.Learn from nature 'cause you never know in reality may be they are living and we are Lost : ) 

--Past is a point where we generally are free from fear as we consider it over. Though there are few exceptions where incidents have made a great impact on sub conscious mind, we know that even if past actions or results do come back it will be in “Future” or in “Now”. “Now” is what we generally see as fear, an obstruction for your great future. Future is imagined generally as a golden opportunity full of energy and happiness with you its hero.
  

--I do not understand when people say LET GO or DETACH as when You say DETACH aren’t you attached to Detach? You are so much into getting detached from everything that before you realize you are attached to detaching yourself from everything, to all extent possible.

06/07

--I AM THE Hope of GOD. So Rise UP and Let the Hope prevail.

--My intense curosity to figure out my source of existence and my final destination led me to what Rumi said “we are born out of nothingness”. I think when we die our bodies will also become nothing one day. Everyone was just a dot when they came into this physical reality. To satiate my craving to know the source, I further investigated and came to know that Scientist have found that with proper microscope you cn see the ultimate layer in an atom and that is "vibration" . Thus, if I am just vibration and with the help of my mind go beyond that vibration I may find Nothingness. I am born out of Nothingness, when I die and my folks burn my body similarly my body will perish into nothingness again. I read somewhere “I am Everything and I am Nothing”. SO you are everything and everywhere if you can realize so and also You are nothing and nowhere if you are aware.

OK. So if we go inside vibrations we find nothingness…SO what is NOTHINGNESS??? How can I feel Nothingness??? If you can teach me Anything, then first please teach me NOTHING. I believe nobody can teach anything to you, but can only make you aware of things you know. In pure awareness you know that you know everything because Knowing itself is YOU.

So can we understand “Death” with this thinking? Let’s see.  So, though we are just vibrations, just because we can’t see it to that minute scale we perceive things to be solid, liquid, or gas. So basically when I die one form of vibration becomes another form and that’s the reason people due to their lack of consciousness can’t see thru the physical reality and they express it as death but in reality it is actually just a shift of vibrational form.

--What do we mean by seeing? What is seeing?  What are eyes? So when people say” blinds are unfortunate” aren’t we judging based on comparing with what is available to most other human beings. May be that there are many more things which most are devoid of, such as seeing electrons, UV rays, or beyond sky.

07/07

--Today while meditating I realized that one should not restrict himself with just his age group, even though it is more comfortable as you are generally going through same physical and emotional illusions/reality. But the real learning comes when U surround yourself with all different age groups as you learn more about life and yourself. In India, there has been a tradition of joint family, where everyone keeps on learning, sometimes even through bad experiences, from others of different people of age, size and shape.

--Trying to meditate, I realized that I should look for silence or the stillness in me and should try to realize myself in me. I soon realized that “the realization itself is me”

--So in further note to yesterday’s seeing thought:

When I am closing my eyes and trying to remember something, I am able to do so. I mean, I can clearly see a picture of a sunset or a sunrise or a full moon night. Thus it is proved that for seeing, you do not need eyes as even with close eyes you seeing things or with open eyes see things not present there before ur eyes in now. Our mind is so designed that it says I will only look outside and not look inside. As if eyes could look inside, I could see what is going in my body and my spirit. But I believe eyes are just a way to interpret the light waves (we can’t see in dark, can we?) to neurons and that there is something else that is seeing, eyes are just converting photons to some chemical form to be picked up as signals for neurons to reach brain …I still need to figure out what is actually seeing then…waiting for the idea to pop up in my head.

--What is Sound? I think its just pure vibration that travels at a great speed than what I can track. For that matter what is speaking? If I run out of breath, I cannot speak, so air is what we use to speak. With the help of vocal chords, I change the vibrations and ears correspond to those vibrations. Everything is vibration.

--What is AIR? What is Vacuum?

10/07

--In continuation of seeing:

 How do we see? If I answer to my previous question of how can we see with closed eyes saying that we see through those mental images stored in head. But what about those new images that we see with closed eyes in our dream. We have never seen them before; I am sure each one of us must have experienced such a dream. So something new which these external physical eyes have never seen, I see in a dream with closed eyes, HOW? To take it to another dimension IMAGINATION is my word of discussion. When we imagine, we are capable of seeing new or innovative pictures even when our eyes haven’t seen it. We can turn on the resolution to higher than what we generally see through eyes. All I have to do is to INTENT for it, expect for it and I have it there in my head.

--Understanding my MIND:

While I was about to prepare something, I mixed lemon to the already prepared stuff and now was thinking to add some more good stuff. My mind searched thru all options available with me currently and came up with milk (an image mind has been stored while I opened the fridge several times). I thought OK I will use milk, but then soon in mind flashed a sensation and other part of mind itself translated it to language and I sensed that saying “NO” because milk should not be mixed with lemon. I stopped to think What just Happened? How was my mind working? It searched all the related files with LEMON stored in my head and presented a few of Highly important stored images. Warnings etc has high priority and comes 1^st.

--I and God are not two different but ONE and same.

 --To meditate I realize is to become Aware of your inner silence and breathing. Do nothing just become aware, because that’s what we are in true natural self, AWARENESS. Pure Awareness. So if we are aware I know I am more than my emotions. I do not get involved and disturbed in thoughts but just be aware of it. I am aware of my body. I have now to become aware of ME.

My Spiritual journey begins.....

As I look back in my life I now see a clear path, like one lit by small bulbs in the midst of dark fields, to today. The path I am talking about is the path of knowing ME. One of the first memories of my encounter to knowing was when I was a small kid and used to stare at myself in the mirror, look in my own eyes and feel someone else is also watching me. I could feel there is someone else in my reflection, and the more I dared to look into my eyes the deeper it got. Finally out of fear, I used to look away, but again look back to confirm it is only me in my reflection. As I grew I could never understand why people teach me things that are so defined, and that I have nothing more to do than just mugging the facts. I used to find more peace and happiness in the performing arts section, as it opened up the doors of creativity and innovation. I used to be a known dancer, actor, poet, speaker to all the schools I ever studied in.  

IT started to hit me initially when I was in my 2^nd year of job. A lot of questions at this point in my life started to flash in my mind, making me go restless. One day inspired by my brother’s blog http://anishsinha.blogspot.com/, I felt an impulse to write down those questions and that’s how my 1^st blog came into reality. I started taking lot of risks in life, a sign that the journey has begun. I failed a lot of times and thus used internet services such as Youtube etc to get all material to inspire me. It was then that I came to know Lance Armstrong, Nick vujicic, Md Ali, Arnold, and Michael Jordan. As I went on reading and listening more and more about and from them, I was actually unknowingly knocking on the door to ME. All those inspiring moments were building a launch pad, or say clearing out negativities I have developed in me through the habitual conditioning of my mind. I failed in all I tried to dare. My logical head kept on analyzing and concluding that I was a fool to take such risks in my life whereas in my heart there was something that was getting ready to be unleashed. I can’t express in words, but there was a lot of hope in my heart that things will not end like this. Soon, I got hold of this book called “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy. I then decided to use those principles written in the book as for the first time in my life I could feel my heart talking to me and saying to go forward with the principle. For the first time I felt my answers  started coming in. Then my sister, Swati di, pointed out book called The Secret and as I kept on reading the book, I felt I was reinventing myself. I was also listening to Brahmakumaris, especially Sister Shivani.

I was able to handle all disappointments, look through the problems and concentrate on finding solutions. Life through the help of technology and books helped me go deeper within me as I could watch videos and read books of many top spiritual leaders, such as Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah, Tony Robbins,  Jack Canfield, Les Brown, Norman Vincent Peale, Wayne Dyer, and many others. I have now started practicing meditation and would like to share my experiences.

As I started meditating I could feel an itching sensation in few parts of my body, something people say is a proof of energy flowing in your body from higher conscious. After 2-3 days of my attempts to meditate, I have decided to daily update my feelings, experience, and learning through meditation and other spiritual learning and experiences. In the hope that I can help someone out there who is looking for a sign to just turn to his/her calling.

DAY 1:  

June 19/2012: I meditated for around 25-30 minutes

I started at a good speed, with taking little or no time to relax my body. I then realized I should rather relax myself a little bit and try to resist the inner talk. I then thought I should search silence within me so started chanting” Shanti Shanti” mentally.  I was still not able to be at peace with the train of thoughts in my head. I realized that I should not be resisting anything because by resisting I am making a negative effort and it will attract more of it. Thus I decided not to resist but let go. I also tried to let go the necessity of feeling something. I said to myself “just concentrate on the “Karma”/deed and not on the “Fala”/ outcome”.  I then relaxed myself and surrendered myself to GOD. I noticed that I unconsciously was making efforts to breathe. I decided to make it go effortless, and thus made it go natural and started breathing naturally. Soon I was into it, enjoying my breathing soon to get that bigger breakthrough. I felt something I HAD NEVER FELT BEFORE. I felt my breathing in its natural self and I felt how effortlessly I was breathing. I felt my lungs, trying to suck air and naturally drawing it thru my nose. I could feel myself as a Living being for the first time. I felt the inner involuntary process going on. I thus realized the beauty of the process and breathing. Soon my waist area and hand area started itching immensely. My back started to pain, legs gave up. I tried changing position, but felt the link was gone. Thus offered my prayers to Hanumanji and was about to open my eyes that I saw a spot of light like a capsule emanating light. I tried mediating again but was not able to “dhyaan”/ meditate again. I loved my experience today. Thank You GOD, source, I love you.

June 20/ 2012 Day 2   11:55 pm

Tonight as I started to meditate, I was thrown out of meditation every 5 -10 mins. I tried again but failed. Thus as I lied down, thoughts inundated me. As I tried to quite my mind, which was wandering while meditation a lot, I started gazing and observing my thoughts. I observed that how I changed one thought to another unconsciously and then to 3^rd ,4^th, 5^th , and so on. I realized that I was able to locate and feel those gap points in between two thoughts.  I also realized that when I am pondering on 1 thought, I am as slow as the rate of my speech in head. Thus I decided to convince my head not to take help of any language, forgetting that I know any language. Mind tried to think in terms of language, but each time I said NO. Thus, mind started showing me pictures, or movements, my feelings in those moments. It was an awesome experience to see how my mind works so closely. Observation has never been so enriching before. I always thought it’s only the doers who enjoy and those who observe are lazy bums, but now I know the deep meaning of observing.

After a while, I look at myself in the mirror, looking in my eyes I notice each detail of my face, and try to detach my existence from my face, which has been the image of Me(Manish) in my head. Face is just a structure that looks very familiar and an easy to understand concept for my mind. I have read that a mind tries to figure out or finds faces in any scene or picture or say finds faces in  clouds.  As I was watching discovery channel today, I heard scientist saying that a king cobra can feel the vibrations of sound waves 300 feet away from it, making my belief stronger that my senses are bounded with limitations.  On facebook,when  I see one of the good snaps taken by my friend though his SLR camera, I can see those pictures much clearer as I could have seen in case my eyes were at the place of camera lens. That takes me back to the learning that there are so many things in space that we are not able to see such as UV, X rays etc, thus I can only see in a limit of my vision power but through meditation I will be able to see everything so clearly that everything will appear so alive, full of color. I have always talked about these limitations to my folks, saying I can reach any place on earth or on moon in just a flick of a second but because my physical reality cannot, I am here. Thus if I can understand ME completely, and develop an ability to understand myself beyond this physical body, I can move anywhere and feel everything. Question remains how and will that be REAL.

Dr.Problem My Best Buddy

Hi my dear Diary,

Today I wanna tell you something about my dear friend Dr. Problem. Of course he needs no introduction as he keeps on meeting everyone every now and then. He has no degree but is a Dr. just because of his personality and commitment. He possesses vivacious personality and has commitment to heal people dying from monotony to what they think is LIFE but is nothing more than a vicious circle to achieve Hedonism. According to him Life has no monotony but is different every second.

What is Life without a Problem, it’s like Romance without Love. The evanescent romance without love will leave you with nothing more than repent. It’s all because of eternal love that you can truly understand the spirit of romance.
Likewise to not just exist but live u need a problem, it give you a reason to fight, it keeps on challenging you or should I say its this what keeps you Alive. To keep people alive is what a Doctor does and that’s why he is called Dr Problem (Dr. P).

Dr P and I are like best buddies, we hang out together but yesterday night we had a big fight. I came late from office and was really tired. Apart from the good morning smile from Sarah, nothing great happened whole day. I had loads of pending work and was feeling very low so just wanted to be with myself. Suddenly the bell ranged, I was in no mood to get up, but I thought may be it was Sarah. It was Dr.P, I opened it, said ‘Hi’ and went into my room and closed it. I thought he would go after sometime seeing that I am in no mood to entertain him. I started listening songs and tried relaxing oblivious to the fact that Dr.P was getting pissed off by my ignorance.

He knocked my room’s door, I didn’t answer, He knocked twice and I thought why the hell he is not going? Can’t he see I am in no mood to meet him? Seeing no response from me he started shouting out my name, I replied irritated ‘Yia! Dr.P, I can hear you. It’s just that I am very tired now so could we please talk tomorrow ’. He replied at a higher pitch “Hey why U ignoring me? You think if you ignore me I will leave you alone. Am I not your friend?” I really had no clue what to say I thought if I didn’t pay attention he would go but he is right there at my door asking me why I didn’t deal with him at the 1st place? He had the keys to my room as well, so he started opening it. I got afraid to face him, so in a hurry I went to the attached balcony and closed the sliding pane.

He came in, his face was red, I am not sure with anger or with humiliation of being ignored by his best buddy. I felt so helpless and bad. He saw me through the pane and raised his both hands so as to ask why am I behaving like this? I had no answer I felt so choked up with embarrassment, I could not look up into his eyes out of shame. He started opening the pane to come to me, I became so despondent that jumping from the balcony and committing suicide seemed the only way out. He opened the pane and was standing before me; he was looking so big and dreaded certainly nowhere near to the friend I have known for years. I was about to jump that something flashed in my mind. I asked myself “Why am I committing suicide? So what I didn’t deal with him earlier and my frivolous attitude has made him so angry. Why can I not face him now? He was my best buddy so what if I screwed it up, I know I can fix it back” I turned towards him and looked straight into his eyes, I apologized for my behavior, and promised to respect him thereafter. He saw the truth in my eyes but he was so furious about the incident that it took me whole night to convince him that I am his buddy and will never ever ignore him henceforth.

I learnt that if you ignore problems and don’t deal with them at the 1st place it will only grow bigger. If you close your eyes from them it will not vanish but when you open your eyes you will find yourself standing in balcony just like me with no option than suicide. I say lets dare to face it as that’s when we can really understand what we really are, what stuff we are made up of.

This morning inspite of being awake whole night I felt so relaxed, energized and proud of myself that I asked Sarah out for a coffee. She said yes and we will be going out at 4 in the evening 2 hrs from now. I need to finish up my work so that I can spend more time with her. Last night has taught me a lot and I will try and stick to my promise because if I would have committed suicide I would have never ever got the opportunity to go out with Sarah. Thank you GOD! And thanks for making Sarah so beautiful.

Will get back to you soon dear Diary, I hope CCD punch line may come true for me today “A lot can happen over coffee”

My Unanswered Questions

I am not sure if I ever would be able to see GOD but I really want to know what HE/SHE/IT looks like. There are lots of questions that I would like to ask, but I am not sure of any such opportunity. I couldn’t find a better listener of my questions, but my diary, to say it all.

My dear Diary,

Today I want to share my feelings with you, hope you like it. I chose you over anybody else because you never complain, u never criticize, u never get happy, u never reply but all you do is LISTEN patiently no matter what I have to say. So my dear diary, here we go……

Let me start with a question - What is the purpose of me being here, occupying this space on earth??The more I think on this the more I get restless and helpless. I feel I am a vagabond as I don’t know what my aim is. As all others even I have come to earth and God blessed me with a few relations and then there are a few relations that I have made by myself.

The big question that makes me go mad is that why am I here? Is living a life of 80 years is all that I am supposed to do? Why is the SYSTEM so that I have to live a life and then buzz off somewhere unknown? Why is Death not Transparent? Why am I living?

Sometimes I tell you it’s scary but I think I am big enough to realize that I am not a coded program but a human being who has a thinking of his own. But what if I want to think beyond my thinking and imagination?
What if I don’t do anything, will God give me energy to live on or the old saying will find its destiny through me and that is “God help only those who help themselves”. What if I try to do great things will God give me another life as a reward and it will go on forever as an infinite loop? God has blessed me with a life now making it or spoiling it is on me but which is the right option and who decides it, if not me?

Why are we so small with respect to universe? Why are we so slow with respect to speed of light? Why can’t we see the supreme power? Why do we look like the way we do? Do we belong to earth if not then why did we come here and from where did we come here? Why can’t I see my past and future while I am in my present? Why can’t I stay in the moment for more than the specified time limit? Why are we forced to travel with time and not wish?

I find that making needy people happy give me immense satisfaction but the other moment my mind asks me if that is all I want to do? People tend to do things which can make them or their loved ones happy but the irony is that it’s the common sorrow that binds people together more tightly than common happiness, so what do we do? Should we look for sorrows for better bonding or happiness to be better at bonding? Is that all because we feel, so why do we feel things? If we can feel so much, is there something that is left unfelt, if not then why can’t we all feel God?

There is one question that has been haunting me right from my childhood and that is WHAT AM I?
Am I just my hands or my legs or my eyes or just …just the brain?? If I am the brain then who controls my brain? I really go deep within myself looking for the answer and it feels I am sailing within me but fail to find an end. Is that because I am the soul and it’s endless? I am happy that I can see, feel, hear, touch and taste things but is that all I can do or the list is endless?

Is becoming a successful man is all that I have to do? Why do I want to be successful, so that people give my family, friends and me respect, but what will I do of this respect once I am gone? What if I am reborn as a mosquito, will people even waste a moment before killing me? Will they stop because of the hard work and respect that I earned in my last inning?

Is following my passion all that I want to do, or the bigger question is WHY DO I WANT? Believe me I really want to go on talking to you as I have lot in store and it may take a few eras to pass by.
Thanks a lot for your attention my dear Diary will get back to u soon.

Yours truly,
Manish….