My Spiritual journey begins.....

As I look back in my life I now see a clear path, like one lit by small bulbs in the midst of dark fields, to today. The path I am talking about is the path of knowing ME. One of the first memories of my encounter to knowing was when I was a small kid and used to stare at myself in the mirror, look in my own eyes and feel someone else is also watching me. I could feel there is someone else in my reflection, and the more I dared to look into my eyes the deeper it got. Finally out of fear, I used to look away, but again look back to confirm it is only me in my reflection. As I grew I could never understand why people teach me things that are so defined, and that I have nothing more to do than just mugging the facts. I used to find more peace and happiness in the performing arts section, as it opened up the doors of creativity and innovation. I used to be a known dancer, actor, poet, speaker to all the schools I ever studied in.  

IT started to hit me initially when I was in my 2^nd year of job. A lot of questions at this point in my life started to flash in my mind, making me go restless. One day inspired by my brother’s blog http://anishsinha.blogspot.com/, I felt an impulse to write down those questions and that’s how my 1^st blog came into reality. I started taking lot of risks in life, a sign that the journey has begun. I failed a lot of times and thus used internet services such as Youtube etc to get all material to inspire me. It was then that I came to know Lance Armstrong, Nick vujicic, Md Ali, Arnold, and Michael Jordan. As I went on reading and listening more and more about and from them, I was actually unknowingly knocking on the door to ME. All those inspiring moments were building a launch pad, or say clearing out negativities I have developed in me through the habitual conditioning of my mind. I failed in all I tried to dare. My logical head kept on analyzing and concluding that I was a fool to take such risks in my life whereas in my heart there was something that was getting ready to be unleashed. I can’t express in words, but there was a lot of hope in my heart that things will not end like this. Soon, I got hold of this book called “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy. I then decided to use those principles written in the book as for the first time in my life I could feel my heart talking to me and saying to go forward with the principle. For the first time I felt my answers  started coming in. Then my sister, Swati di, pointed out book called The Secret and as I kept on reading the book, I felt I was reinventing myself. I was also listening to Brahmakumaris, especially Sister Shivani.

I was able to handle all disappointments, look through the problems and concentrate on finding solutions. Life through the help of technology and books helped me go deeper within me as I could watch videos and read books of many top spiritual leaders, such as Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah, Tony Robbins,  Jack Canfield, Les Brown, Norman Vincent Peale, Wayne Dyer, and many others. I have now started practicing meditation and would like to share my experiences.

As I started meditating I could feel an itching sensation in few parts of my body, something people say is a proof of energy flowing in your body from higher conscious. After 2-3 days of my attempts to meditate, I have decided to daily update my feelings, experience, and learning through meditation and other spiritual learning and experiences. In the hope that I can help someone out there who is looking for a sign to just turn to his/her calling.

DAY 1:  

June 19/2012: I meditated for around 25-30 minutes

I started at a good speed, with taking little or no time to relax my body. I then realized I should rather relax myself a little bit and try to resist the inner talk. I then thought I should search silence within me so started chanting” Shanti Shanti” mentally.  I was still not able to be at peace with the train of thoughts in my head. I realized that I should not be resisting anything because by resisting I am making a negative effort and it will attract more of it. Thus I decided not to resist but let go. I also tried to let go the necessity of feeling something. I said to myself “just concentrate on the “Karma”/deed and not on the “Fala”/ outcome”.  I then relaxed myself and surrendered myself to GOD. I noticed that I unconsciously was making efforts to breathe. I decided to make it go effortless, and thus made it go natural and started breathing naturally. Soon I was into it, enjoying my breathing soon to get that bigger breakthrough. I felt something I HAD NEVER FELT BEFORE. I felt my breathing in its natural self and I felt how effortlessly I was breathing. I felt my lungs, trying to suck air and naturally drawing it thru my nose. I could feel myself as a Living being for the first time. I felt the inner involuntary process going on. I thus realized the beauty of the process and breathing. Soon my waist area and hand area started itching immensely. My back started to pain, legs gave up. I tried changing position, but felt the link was gone. Thus offered my prayers to Hanumanji and was about to open my eyes that I saw a spot of light like a capsule emanating light. I tried mediating again but was not able to “dhyaan”/ meditate again. I loved my experience today. Thank You GOD, source, I love you.

June 20/ 2012 Day 2   11:55 pm

Tonight as I started to meditate, I was thrown out of meditation every 5 -10 mins. I tried again but failed. Thus as I lied down, thoughts inundated me. As I tried to quite my mind, which was wandering while meditation a lot, I started gazing and observing my thoughts. I observed that how I changed one thought to another unconsciously and then to 3^rd ,4^th, 5^th , and so on. I realized that I was able to locate and feel those gap points in between two thoughts.  I also realized that when I am pondering on 1 thought, I am as slow as the rate of my speech in head. Thus I decided to convince my head not to take help of any language, forgetting that I know any language. Mind tried to think in terms of language, but each time I said NO. Thus, mind started showing me pictures, or movements, my feelings in those moments. It was an awesome experience to see how my mind works so closely. Observation has never been so enriching before. I always thought it’s only the doers who enjoy and those who observe are lazy bums, but now I know the deep meaning of observing.

After a while, I look at myself in the mirror, looking in my eyes I notice each detail of my face, and try to detach my existence from my face, which has been the image of Me(Manish) in my head. Face is just a structure that looks very familiar and an easy to understand concept for my mind. I have read that a mind tries to figure out or finds faces in any scene or picture or say finds faces in  clouds.  As I was watching discovery channel today, I heard scientist saying that a king cobra can feel the vibrations of sound waves 300 feet away from it, making my belief stronger that my senses are bounded with limitations.  On facebook,when  I see one of the good snaps taken by my friend though his SLR camera, I can see those pictures much clearer as I could have seen in case my eyes were at the place of camera lens. That takes me back to the learning that there are so many things in space that we are not able to see such as UV, X rays etc, thus I can only see in a limit of my vision power but through meditation I will be able to see everything so clearly that everything will appear so alive, full of color. I have always talked about these limitations to my folks, saying I can reach any place on earth or on moon in just a flick of a second but because my physical reality cannot, I am here. Thus if I can understand ME completely, and develop an ability to understand myself beyond this physical body, I can move anywhere and feel everything. Question remains how and will that be REAL.

Dr.Problem My Best Buddy

Hi my dear Diary,

Today I wanna tell you something about my dear friend Dr. Problem. Of course he needs no introduction as he keeps on meeting everyone every now and then. He has no degree but is a Dr. just because of his personality and commitment. He possesses vivacious personality and has commitment to heal people dying from monotony to what they think is LIFE but is nothing more than a vicious circle to achieve Hedonism. According to him Life has no monotony but is different every second.

What is Life without a Problem, it’s like Romance without Love. The evanescent romance without love will leave you with nothing more than repent. It’s all because of eternal love that you can truly understand the spirit of romance.
Likewise to not just exist but live u need a problem, it give you a reason to fight, it keeps on challenging you or should I say its this what keeps you Alive. To keep people alive is what a Doctor does and that’s why he is called Dr Problem (Dr. P).

Dr P and I are like best buddies, we hang out together but yesterday night we had a big fight. I came late from office and was really tired. Apart from the good morning smile from Sarah, nothing great happened whole day. I had loads of pending work and was feeling very low so just wanted to be with myself. Suddenly the bell ranged, I was in no mood to get up, but I thought may be it was Sarah. It was Dr.P, I opened it, said ‘Hi’ and went into my room and closed it. I thought he would go after sometime seeing that I am in no mood to entertain him. I started listening songs and tried relaxing oblivious to the fact that Dr.P was getting pissed off by my ignorance.

He knocked my room’s door, I didn’t answer, He knocked twice and I thought why the hell he is not going? Can’t he see I am in no mood to meet him? Seeing no response from me he started shouting out my name, I replied irritated ‘Yia! Dr.P, I can hear you. It’s just that I am very tired now so could we please talk tomorrow ’. He replied at a higher pitch “Hey why U ignoring me? You think if you ignore me I will leave you alone. Am I not your friend?” I really had no clue what to say I thought if I didn’t pay attention he would go but he is right there at my door asking me why I didn’t deal with him at the 1st place? He had the keys to my room as well, so he started opening it. I got afraid to face him, so in a hurry I went to the attached balcony and closed the sliding pane.

He came in, his face was red, I am not sure with anger or with humiliation of being ignored by his best buddy. I felt so helpless and bad. He saw me through the pane and raised his both hands so as to ask why am I behaving like this? I had no answer I felt so choked up with embarrassment, I could not look up into his eyes out of shame. He started opening the pane to come to me, I became so despondent that jumping from the balcony and committing suicide seemed the only way out. He opened the pane and was standing before me; he was looking so big and dreaded certainly nowhere near to the friend I have known for years. I was about to jump that something flashed in my mind. I asked myself “Why am I committing suicide? So what I didn’t deal with him earlier and my frivolous attitude has made him so angry. Why can I not face him now? He was my best buddy so what if I screwed it up, I know I can fix it back” I turned towards him and looked straight into his eyes, I apologized for my behavior, and promised to respect him thereafter. He saw the truth in my eyes but he was so furious about the incident that it took me whole night to convince him that I am his buddy and will never ever ignore him henceforth.

I learnt that if you ignore problems and don’t deal with them at the 1st place it will only grow bigger. If you close your eyes from them it will not vanish but when you open your eyes you will find yourself standing in balcony just like me with no option than suicide. I say lets dare to face it as that’s when we can really understand what we really are, what stuff we are made up of.

This morning inspite of being awake whole night I felt so relaxed, energized and proud of myself that I asked Sarah out for a coffee. She said yes and we will be going out at 4 in the evening 2 hrs from now. I need to finish up my work so that I can spend more time with her. Last night has taught me a lot and I will try and stick to my promise because if I would have committed suicide I would have never ever got the opportunity to go out with Sarah. Thank you GOD! And thanks for making Sarah so beautiful.

Will get back to you soon dear Diary, I hope CCD punch line may come true for me today “A lot can happen over coffee”